Madame Web Film Review

From the studio that underwhelmed us with Venom and Morbius comes a movie that makes Green Lantern look like a masterpiece.

Madame Web is the newest Sony Marvel misfire starring Dakota Johnson as the hero Marvel fans have always hoped a film studio would make a movie about, just like how people totally wanted Morbius movies and Kraven the Hunter movies. Also, there were other actors in the flick who would’ve been better off ignoring the casting call they got from Sony. Let’s hope those paychecks were worth it.

I won’t sugarcoat it, every horrible thing you’ve heard about this movie is true. The acting is unwatchable, the CGI is reprehensible, and the dialogue is like fingernails on a chalkboard. This movie is like watching a group of surgeons trying to stitch up an unfixable stab wound with Pixy Stix.

The only positive is that Sim’s costume looks cool enough to stand out, but even he was terrible. His performance was just as robotic and boring as everyone else’s was. I would’ve been better off watching people feed deep-fried tumors to babies.

Also, Dakota Johnson would’ve been better off putting toothpicks in her toenails. I don’t care what she thought the movie would be when she signed up for it, but the fact that it was a Sony Marvel Spider-Man movie should’ve been enough of a red flag. There should be an actor’s strike against actors auditioning for these movies.

It’s easily worse than Morbius, and even though I didn’t completely hate that movie, I still agree that it’s not even a C+ quality superhero movie. Morbius thrives off of its stupidity and memification, whereas the stupidity of Madame Web holds it back from being even slightly enjoyable. You’re better off watching compilation videos of people getting hit in the nuts. Here, I saved you the trouble of looking for one.

As I looked for silly pictures to put in this review, I found this stupid ass product tie-in. I hope whoever found this didn’t enjoy their cranberry juice and blamed it on Sydney Sweeney. Also, this movie has some horrible product placement, as horrific as the IHOP fight in Man of Steel and the use of Krispy Kreme in Power Rangers.

I guess now that the movie is out, Sony can continue to get financially punished for making these movies. Without question, KRAVEN THE HUNTER will suffer the same fate as Madame Web, and I don’t expect Venom 3 to do much better, either. These movies showcase a lack of foresight and a complete disrespect for the source material.

While the DCEU survived on good intentions, the Sony Spider-Man films showcase a damning dedication to constant mediocrity. These movies will never build to anything tremendous or be remembered fondly by anyone. They are a joke to watch and an insult to anyone who has ever loved Spider-Man.

This movie is disrespectful to the women who star in the film and all women who watch it. Moms, wives, sisters, and even dung beetles deserve better shit than this. I’ve run out of rant to rant, but I’ll end this review by recommending everyone avoid this disaster.

2/10