“From the studio that brought you Venom and Morbius.” A sentence as nauseating as that horrible line from this trailer that blew up the web.
Madame Web will star Dakota Johnson as the not old AF Madame Web. Joining her are Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Celeste O’Connor, Emma Roberts, Tahar Rahim, and Adam Scott.
I want to start off by saying that I think her powerset is really cool. Precognitive spider abilities leave a lot of room for creative potential that I hope the screenwriters capitalize on.
I also think the evil Spider-Man costume worn by Ezekiel Sims – played by TAhir Rahim – looks cool to me. I betcha it will be getting added as DLC to Spider-Man 2 on PlayStation, another Sony product.
And this is where my praise ends. Dakota Johnson’s performance so far is fine but everyone else is bland. Their delivery is flat and generally emotionless. Specifically Sydney Sweeney’s acting is pretty bad. Every line she gives is completely flat and her character is as entertaining as a two by four with a smile drawn onto it.
“He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died,” is a real line that was written, then said, recorded, and now shared with the world. It’s not cool no matter how many times you say it to yourself. I even tried to imagine Viola Davis’s Amanda Waller saying it but it still sucks, and she’s good at making that kind of villain nonsense sound credible. I really hate that terrible line and it kept me from focusing on writing this reaction. It’s a distraction and I hate that it’s now part of my brain.
The line is still terrible but at least now I can think about this silly exchange when I go see the movie and hear the line again.
I hope the three new Spider-Women end up being really cool. They would really help make the Sony Spiderverse something to look forward to. If it bombs, at least Isabella Merced can still go do superhero stuff for DC Films as Hawkgirl in Superman: Legacy.
Regardless of how good or bad it will be, expect me to follow through and watch it. My expectations are so low they might as well be bedrock. If it doesn’t bomb horrifically then I’m a monkey’s uncle.
Madame Web premieres on Valentine’s Day 2024. Click here to watch the trailer yourself.
Advent Seven 
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